


Stay Gold.

by the-canary (siruru)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 1930s, 1940s, 1950s, Alternate Universe - Mob, Backwards narrative, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Character Death, Childhood, Crush at First Sight, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Heavy Angst, Lost Love, Love Letters, Marriage Proposal, Miscommunication, Mobster Bucky Barnes, Post-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Reader-Insert, Time Skips, Waiting, War Veteran Bucky Barnes, Weddings, World War II, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2019-10-26 10:52:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17744558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siruru/pseuds/the-canary
Summary: Ours doesn’t have a happy ending, but I’ll give you everything else.





	1. epilogue: my darling, i’ll haunt you.

**Author's Note:**

> this is for @tropicalcap‘s 4k writing challenge. 
> 
> I love mafia movies, I’ve watched Casino and Good Fellas plus Scarface maybe one too many times and so I decided to try this, though it does feel more 40′s and 50′s than when those movies take place. I also decided to do something different and give to guys the ending first and move backwards – I like that gif set that goes give me a bad ending, okay middle, and a very happy beginning. So I am going with that – so just to warn you there are mentions of murder! 
> 
> Prompt: Everlong - Foo Fighters

It’s 2004, and James Buchanan Barnes is 86 when he is finally allowed to rest. 

Not that he had been living since  _ that night, _ but the hot-headed swagger and anger he carried like a second weapon was gone, replaced by a cool indifference to the rest of the world around him after his wife’s death. He carried on and amassed a family and millions underneath his name, parties were carried in his honor and everyone knew who he was. But, he never drank, nor smoked, or socialized in any of those.

Stevie had been gone for years, his wife wasn’t there any longer. His sisters wanted nothing to do with his type of lifestyle and his parents had been gone longer than anybody else. There was nobody to share all his good fortune with, nobody to keep the struggle and fight up for --- so, he stops and runs on autopilot for the rest of his life until --  _ pop! pop!  _

It takes three days to find James Buchanan Barnes’ body after one of those fabulous parties that his younger crew members and lackies tend to throw every other weekend. Nobody knows who did it and the man who once wanted to make a name for himself is slowly placed six feet below on a warm autumn day. 

Nobody aside from the priest and the cemetery personnel are there. 

Carter and the rest of the Howling Commandos were too sick or too old to make the trip. Stark had been gone for years, though the much younger Stark sent some nice flowers. Natasha had been gone since the wall fell, stating that she was needed back home (t _ hey were nothing more than friends, though that never stopped James from hearing his wife’s voice haunting him with accusations and crying over that wooden door when he couldn’t sleep _ ). And Yelena had been gone for even longer than that, not that James cared at that point.  

There isn’t any will so to speak for the man, so the estate he had left is divide evenly among his remaining family -- extended nieces and nephews for he had no children and never remarried again.   

He only had one wish:  _ Let me be buried next to my beloved wife.  _

However, a family as old and as wealthy as hers doesn’t forgive or forget, especially when a man who remembers all the suffering his older sister went through is still alive -- Charles never forgot. He stands tall and with an aching heart denies the man he once called a hero his last request. 

He’s buried next two his parents and younger sister, but there is one thing the elderly patriarch concedes to since the Barnes don’t have the means to pay for it -- a tombstone.  

> **James Buchanan Barnes**
> 
> **1918-2008**
> 
> _ Darling, stay gold.  _

Charles has the last laugh in the end, but what he doesn’t know is that James ran that damn saying in his head over and over again until all meaning of it was lost. That her sobs and cries haunted him until his dying days -- that the last thing on his lips before the gun took his life  was her name. 

James Buchanan Barnes never stopped suffering over all the damage he had made her go through, so it was appropriate that her words --her most precious saying to him-- followed his to the grave. 

He deserved that and so much more. 


	2. fourth door: regrets

“ _ don’t touch me _ ,” it echoes deeply in his head. her standing there freezing in the cold with those sad eyes are completely different with what he fell in love with – the sunny smile, the caring disposition but it’s not her fault.

he killed them all. 

she runs like he’s a fire, ready to drag out all the life and happiness out of her very being, he tries his hardest to follow. he’s so close, ready to grab her hand but that’s when it happens – she turns to dust and fades away. 

he doesn’t deserve her – never did, just like her father and older brothers had thought. she was too sweet and kind for a rough kid like him, for a sick soldier that came back from the war – she glowed like sunlight and he couldn’t help but follow. 

deep down, he had really wished she had said those words in any time during their relationship – to push him away, so that he wouldn’t ruin all this.

but, she didn’t – she kept smiling, even at the end…even when he had failed her.

“i love you, james.”

he wakes up screaming afterwards. 


	3. which one is worst: living or dying first?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took me so long to figure the pacing for this story but we are back on and warning there is charater death and nothing but angst <3

Yelena tells you that they have gone out together once more, for days this time. She whispers that James looks so much happier with her at his side, that you are all but forgotten as he moves on to a newer, healthier woman – one that could give him everything that he could dream. However, you keep writing your letters, professing that you are so sorry for being so weak, wishing that you could go outside once more with him and dance the night away.

None of them are ever answered back and as you look at all trinkets and letters that your James had given you once – before the marriage, before the war, before he wasn’t yours anymore– and make your decisions because you will not be like your mother and cling to a man that doesn’t love you anymore.

Your hands shake as you try to make it out of bed with all your will. Blue eyes give you a questioning look as you grab your shawl and grab anything you can carry.    

You leave the Barnes mansion in a small car with coughs wracking your body in the bloody cold December weather. You have left one last letter on James’s desk, before asking and paying the driver to take you as far as possible.

Yelena stands there in the shadows of the mansion watching the car drive off into the darkness. Your smile and shaking hands the last things she remembers as the news of a fallen automobile, of a dying young woman near the brink of the river, makes the news in a small article a few days later.

 _“James, James,”_  is what is written in the newspaper as the last thing the young woman spoke before giving into her injuries; she was a goner, to begin with, this just agitated her illness even more.

 _It was bound to happen,_  Yelena thinks herself before folding the newspaper and putting in her pocket for another day.

There are bigger things she has to move forward with now.

* * *

_“Just tell her what you mean, Sarge. Nobody is gonna know what you mean if you keep clamping up like an oyster.”_

It’s the only thing mulling over his head after his yearly meeting with the rest of the Howling Commandos back in New York. Bucky was sure that Steve would have told him the same thing – where was the cocksure youth he had been once?

But, there was always something that made him go crazy in a desperate sort of way when it comes to you, whether it was your family’s background, how you smiled when you took care of him and treated him like the same old Brooklyn Bucky, or how you never seem to run away from him…until recently. Looking you up due to his own fears had been stupid, James knew that now and he was going to fix it – he was going to spend the rest of his days making sure you knew how much he loved you.

He’s already planning it –a nice dinner and dancing in the main hallway– until Pierce sends him another mission on the other side of the world. He knows what is coming up, but with a deflated heart he hopes that you haven’t forgotten about that special date or him either because even with all the bloodshed, money, and power in his life – you’re the one bright light that he still has left.

“So, what are you planning for when you get back?” Natasha can’t help but ask in her quest to make small talk, she was still trying her hardest to blend into the “normal” population and James always tried to help when he could.

“Ma anniversary is coming up,”  James grins at the thought, “”m a wine and dine like the best of them.”

* * *

He ends up coming back home two weeks behind the initial date with a set of broken ribs and with Natasha at his side. There is a sick feeling in his heart over missing your anniversary and there is so much he needs to explain, regardless of how you might react. James is tired of keeping everything bottled up inside, he wants you to know that he loved you despite and in spite of everything.   

So, instead of going into his room or his study, he staggers to the little room that he has kept you locked in for quite some time – something else he hates himself for. However, instead of being met with a locked door, it was completely open and there is no sign of you anywhere.

He yells at everyone to look and questions where you have gone, but nobody knows where you have gone. James is at a loss until he drags himself into searching his own room and study. Natasha leaves him alone, as she goes to question the staff.

In his loneliness is when he finds it, a small envelope with James Buchanan Barnes written on the front in your handwriting. He freezes, staring at the one letter meant for him out of all the ones he had seen. He rips is open and begins to read what he can:

 

> _Dear Bucky,_
> 
> _I’m sorry I was so weak, even though I loved you…I wasn’t ever really strong enough, was I?_
> 
> _–I don’t regret any second I spent with you, I hope you understand that one day. I hope she makes you happy, I hope she gives you everything that I couldn’t, but even so…_
> 
> _I know this is selfish, but I have only one request from you, James._
> 
> _Please don’t forget about all the letters I left for you. Think back on them from time to time…please don’t burn them all._
> 
> _It’s a record of all my thoughts, feelings and love for you. Please cherish them when you can and remember that ever through it all, someone will always love you._
> 
> _~~Stay Gold...~~ Farewell_
> 
> _— your wife._

“What?” is all he can say in his confusion as he reads those few words over and over again.

It doesn’t take him long to put two and two together, but there is no way for him to know how far you have gone and the exact time you had left, he was at a loss as he kept looking at the small locket you had left him and the last letter he would ever receive from you.

James keeps sobbing, his cries echoing in the empty hallway as in another room Natasha keeps looking at a certain maid.

* * *

Natasha finds Yelena –dressed in her tight black dress and pinned blond hair– in her room after trying to console a broken down James from trying to stop from taking the gun and taking his own life away. To choose to keep sending out search parties to look for you in the surrounding area and abroad –something he will be doing for decades afterward.

Natasha knew it was cruel, that the man had nothing to live for now but she still needed him alive. However, that was another thought for a different time as she looks at her former peer who gives her a beautiful smile and gun pointed at her.

“If you were going after me,” Natasha questions though she is sure she already knows the answer, “Why go after them?”

 **“For fun** ,” Yelena shrugs, “Neither able to tell the other their true feelings or fears and everything just fell on my lap. It was too good not to mess with, an added bonus to your demise.”

All Natasha frowns thinking about that shy and loving couple she had met once all that time ago and though there is a heavy feeling in her heart for a split second – it quickly disappears as Yelena begins her assault. Natasha knows that there is going to be only one victor tonight and if it’s her – she promises to burn all the lives and make it up with the rest of her life for dragging both of you into this.

* * *

It is several years down the line Charles is finally able to look for his sister that he had never heard of once she made it to Albany. He listens and tracks down the name of Barnes in those underground dealings that his father had always warned him off, but Charles was an adult now and he had is own way of dealing with things.  

He heard a lot of things along the way from how much land and business James Barnes owned after the fall of Alexander Pierce to the red-haired assassin that was his shadow wherever he went, one word and her widow’s bite would be the last thing you would see. James Barnes is a sullen man with a temper that sneaks up at any minute, he has no friends to speak of but you wouldn’t want to his enemy either. He is one of the most powerful men on this side of the East Coast. However, Charles can’t help but notice that there are some things missing from these tales.

Where is his adoring wife? The children that he promised to dote on and picnics underneath the Sunday sun?

**Where are you in all this?**

Charles gets his answers a few nights after entering New York state. A few choice words and some cash is thrown here and there and he is standing on the steps of the house James had promised you all those years ago with lovestruck eyes and lovely smile.

He can’t help but wonder how you look like now.

The party is at full blast. The Barnes mansion is a place that is open 24/7 to all members of the collective, but the man whose name is on the building is harder to find, as Charles moves between guests and servants carrying booze all over the place. He pauses in confusion, hours of travel and not being able to find anything are making him weary and ready to head back to his little hotel room and wait until morning, but that’s when he feels it – a touch on his bicep as he turns to see wide green eyes looking at him, like she has seen a ghost.

“Come with me,” is all she says before dragging him to the darker parts of the mansion where the party nor sun seem to reach anymore. A few locked doors later and he is standing in front of a man, half drunk and the other half hidden by the darkness while staring at a large painted picture. He freezes at the sight.

“James,” the redhead coos softly but he doesn’t move, “I think there is someone you need to see.”

“It’s good to see you again, James,” Charles remarks nervously, “I wanted to visit, but my letters never seem to get through so I decided to come anyway.”

James frowns before taking another gulp of his drink. The redhead leaves and it is just the to of them, as blue eyes take a good while to look at the youth – same hair and eye color to his beloved, but none of the softness as Charles was no longer a child. James knew he shouldn’t be allowed to see anything that reminded him of you, it was his curse for his idiocy, even the painted picture was a failure in how you had looked liked once.

He hadn’t seen you in years since before that cold winter night. He speaks and it sends Charles on his alert.  

“Would you believe me if I told you?” James asks somewhere between tired and desperate. Charles isn’t sure what to believe, but deep down he wants to know where you are – what happened to his sweet sister and the soldier she married?

 _“Tell me_ ,” Charles demands as he sees James wince for just a bit, “Then, I’ll make the decision to believe you or not.”

James drops his drink as his face twists into an utter look of misery. He motions at the seat for Charles to sit, but he doesn’t instead choose to stand stiffly and glare at the man that was once his hero. What had he done to you?

Thus the tales start once more of the letters, the lying, the end with no sight of you for years, but James and Charles both know deep down that you had always been weak at heart with what he had done to you and the state you had left in – there was no way that you could still be alive. Charles feels tears welling up in the corner of his eyes as he feels your pain sink into his heart over everything. He had always been your closest sibling, so he knew what your thought process might have been –  _why doesn’t he love me anymore? Why can’t I be good enough? Why am I still alive then?_

Charles lets out a hiccup near the end as he can see James’ blue eyes turn red for just a moment before he takes another sip of his drink. There are so many things he wants to say, but he just lets out one thing before leaving the room.

“You never deserved her.”

Charles walks out, as Natasha stands there by the side. James takes another gulp of his drink, losing himself in the dizziness of the alcohol and better memories.

He can’t help but agree because he will be haunted about how he failed the love of his life… for the rest of his life, how dreadfully long that may be.


	4. third door: exclusion

**  
**it’s a little more each time, that james is spending just a little less time with you and more in the outside world that you can’t seem to reach. You’re locked in your own room without much to do besides keep writing your letters to him, each with a subtle memory from your past together, hoping that it will make him smile and ease the tense from the work and all the missions he seems to be going on for Mr. Pierce. **  
**

“I’m sorry, madame,” Yelena gives you a sad smile –her best act yet– as she comes back into your room, “He simply won’t look at them anymore. Wants nothing to do with them.”

 _Or you,_  is the note that is left unsaid as you feel the corners of your eyes burning before a coughing fit sets in. You grab your little necklace, the only thing you seem to have left off when Bucky loved you, as the tirade of cough set in.  

Yelena grabs a cup of water from the side table as blood splatters on your thin summer blanket. At the sight of it, you can’t help but start crying even more – no wonder james didn’t want to anymore.

You were fragile and you were weak, bound to die before he did and without anything meaningful to really give him besides wasting his time. How pathetic were you?

The cough subsides as Yelena pats her back and you can’t help but think that there was a reason that James has decided to lock you away in the first place – though there had to be another reason why.  You knew that deep down sadly.

“Was she with him today?” you can’t help but ask as Yelena pauses in her babying for just a moment before sighing out sadly.

“Yes,” Yelena hisses out like a snake as you lose yourself to your own misery, “Right by his side.”

You bite your lip and push Yelena back before asking you to bring more paper and ink – you had more letters to write even if he didn’t want to see them.

You stare at the blood-stained sheet one last time, the thing that you had gotten so used to over the past couple of months, but completely unaware that it was the reason Bucky kept you away – so that he wouldn’t taint you with all the blood he had on his hands.  


	5. here come the regrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The in-between of things, it will get happier (sort of) after this.

Bucky doesn’t come back the same after the war.

The first thing that you notice when you and his sisters pick him up from the Manson General Hospital near Long Island is that there is haggard and tired look on Bucky’s face. Once sparkling blue eyes away refuse to look at you, you lean into his left side like you were always used to – that’s when you feel, or really don’t, the second part that seems to be missing from James.

He flinches away from you, as you move back awkwardly. It takes two more weeks after your first meeting for him to be discharged, that’s when the real truth of what has been lost come forth as your husband often locks himself in the little room in the back of the apartment.

You’re unable to do anything for him and that makes you feel even more useless, but–

The saddest thing is in the middle of the night when he screams and screams because unlike him–

_Stevie didn’t come back at all._

* * *

Life post-Bucky coming back isn’t easier, there are days where he is irritable and those were he doesn’t talk to you at all, but you are at least not as burned about food and immediate necessities due to his disability pension and the money you get from your family from time to time. It isn’t without a look of disapproval from your father, though he might understand a bit better from his own experience back when he was a soldier.

So, this you stay silent and wait for Bucky, just like you had done before. You place always placed flowers on the little table of the room where he has housed himself. You smile and place his meal in front of him when he decides to come out.

His sisters make him come out from time to time for a walk or something else. He talks softly with his ma when you aren’t in the room, she worries too much. Sometimes, when he’s in a good mood, you even get him to dance with you in the kitchen area as an old familiar song starts to play on the radio you bought when he was away.

On the day when he sees a letter from one Howard Stark, he kisses you softly on the cheek and gives an awkward sort of smile as you try not to cry right then and there.

* * *

The world needs Bucky Barnes once to celebrate once the war is officially declared over and done with. They dress him in his crisp uniform and new metal arm thanks to one Howard Stark to parade him around with medals and to talk about the hero of the hour – Captain America, Steve Rogers.

But, nobody will remember Stevie the way he does – scrawny and always fighting the bullies in some Brooklyn back alley. Deep down, he doesn’t know how he’ll be remembered either or what he wants to do with the rest of his life – it had always been Steve, him and Brooklyn. Eventually, that became the three of you and Brooklyn – later one Steve had bashfully talked about adding Peggy into the picture when the war was over.

That bloody aircraft and train had taken two lives that day and Bucky was unsure how to move forward with his own, especially when he had a small family –you and his sisters and ma– to take of.

There was only so much he could do and it wasn’t enough. So, as you mingled with people, Bucky sat in the back with the rest of the garnished soldiers and drank until he almost couldn’t forget.

“Ah, the man of the hour,” he hears someone saying from behind him. Bucky tries to ignore that fact that that shouldn’t be possible, as he turns and meets with an older, distinguished looking man though with a smile compared to how your father tended to look at him, “Exactly who I was looking for.”    

“And ‘ow can I help ya, sir?” Bucky asks with his Brooklyn accent coming in as a slur from all the alcohol he was drinking, though he didn’t exactly feel drunk. He glances at the dance floor, where you’re smiling –carefree and bubbly that has his heart racing all over again– with some other pretty girls over something before looking back at the man.

“I just had a proposition for work,” the man starts off, “That you a man of your talents might be interested in.”

Blue meets blue and that the first time Bucky Barnes meets Alexander Pierce.

* * *

_“When will you be coming home?”_

It’s the question you always ask when he’s away. The sorrowful sound of your voice always gets to him, but Bucky knows that what he is doing is for a good cost, for the people of New York – like when he was with Steve and the Howling Commandos. And in the end, you’ll be getting the pretty dress and home he had always promised.

It makes the distance and sadness easier to push down when he thinks of your smiling face, as he washes away the blood from his hands. The rest of the crew go back downstairs and get wasted drunk with all the gals that Pierce seems to have underneath his control.

“Soon, doll,” he whispers back, full of love and lose as the adrenaline of emotions from the hunt and kill begin to die down. You tell him a couple of more things before whispering good night.

He lays back down on the makeshift cot thinking of all the things he’ll get with the next big boom they are getting ready for – he dreams of pearls and fancy dinners with you smiling in a pretty dress.

He dreams of the old days and good old Brooklyn with Stevie and you at his side.

* * *

“Is this really all ours?” you gasp at the size of the mansion from the outside as Bucky smiles at you from his seat in the brand new car.

 _“All ours_ , sweetheart,” he grins and you can’t help but grin at how handsome he looks with his hair slicked back and in a three-piece suit.

So much had changed in the year since he had started working for Pierce and while he could be away for weeks at a time, Bucky always made time for you when he got back and as the money started to come in he planned on moving you to an area where the weather was nicer – Albany had been the answer, as his boss had suggested. And while James would miss  Brooklyn, neither he nor the area where quite the same anymore, so he promised to keep sending money to his ma and putting his sisters through school but you two were gone.

It was a little sad, but Bucky had big plans for the future for the two of you.  

“So,” he starts off while getting out of the car to open the door for you, “What do you think?”

“It’s beautiful, Bucky,” you smile as he grins with lovestruck eyes, though you soon realize that the movers aren’t there yet, “But, where are all out things?”

“They’ll be coming tomorrow morning,” he explains as you look at him in confusion before he places his arm around your waist and leans into where your neck meets your dress, “Tonight, it’s just you and me,  **Mrs. Barnes.** ”

“And what could you be thinking about,  _Mr. Barnes_?”

It’s the last thing you really get to say before squealing as the man picks you up and takes you down the pathway to your new home. Laughter and love clearly being a part of whatever is going to move forward for the Barnes family.

* * *

It isn’t that easy though because as James seems to be climbing more and more within Pierce’s organization, the sicker you seem to be getting. He fills the house with doctors and helpers to make your life easier, though he barely gets to see you nowadays as he spends more time abroad in missions and trying to make sure Pierce’s empire stays intact.

He regrets it all, but it is for your best interest.

 _(Would Steve be alright with what you are doing?_  He remembers Pegs asking him when they meet in London by accident. He drinks the rest of the night because the truth of it all, but there isn’t a way for him to turn back now.)

He stands in the middle of the room as said man brings a red-haired girl into the room. Blue meets blue once more, as Pierce gives him a sick grin.

“This is Natasha,” Pierce declares, “She will be your personal assistant and shadow from now on.”  

James frowns looking at the red-haired girl as she stares blankly back at him before Pierce dismisses them. He can’t but wonder how he is going to explain this to you.

He doesn’t, just like everything else about his job.

* * *

Bucky gets more irritated over the time he spends at home. You smile at him full of love and adoration, but all he can do is yell at you over the roses and then he destroys the whole garden. He worried over you being around too many people and sends you to your shared room during parties where the people that know what he does could spill to you at any second – and he doesn’t need that, he doesn’t want you to know.  

Bucky begins to shut you out of fear and desperation, but you don’t know that as he spends more time in his study than anywhere else – won’t even you anymore because he dreams of blood spilled and the guts in his hands and he doesn’t any of that for you. But, he doesn’t know how to say all that – his voice dies every time you look at him.

He just doesn’t know that the shine in your eyes dims every time as well, and you aren’t sure where you went wrong.

“Have you tried writing him a letter?” the pretty, new blond maid remarks offhandedly as you sit in your lonesome bed one day. You give her a brief smile before asking her to bring you some paper and a pen.

Yelena smirks as she makes it out of the bedroom and into the dark hallway. Her plan slowly moving into fruition, all she needs is patience and a steady hand.

* * *

He saves Natasha from a stray bullet during one of their missions.

She tries to kiss him the following evening. She is confused and stares with him with those big, green eyes as and James can’t help but wonder all the hell that she has gone through before he had met her.

“I love my wife with everything I have,” he declares with a steady hand as he pushes her down on the small kitchen chair, “You and I are comrades, nothing more and nothing less.”

She nods silently before getting back to her meal. James leaves the room, hoping that you’re awake so that he can hear your voice once more.

It’s the only thing keeping him moving forward at times.

He doesn’t know that a young girl pledges her life to him that night, right then and there.

* * *

 _If you had only been that faithful,_  he can’t help but think as the blond maid gives him the piles and handful of letters in your writing but with other men’s names.

“How long?” he stutters unsure, not quite believing when the proof is right in front of his face.

“Some time now, boss,” the blond –Yelena- answers back as she watches the man breathe slowly from another knife wound that he had barely survived, though you didn’t know that.   

He yells at her to leave and tries his hardest not to cry right then and there – not sure where he had gone wrong but knowing perfectly the reason why something like this might have happened.

* * *

You wonder who she is and when she came into his life. The redhead follows James like a shadow, but you can barely get an answer out of him. He could barely look at you at the time before turning to walk away to the other side. You are treated with silence and ignored by anyone that doesn’t know who you are.

You’re James Buchanan Barnes’ wife, but you don’t feel like that at all anymore. You wonder where you went wrong, why you are ending up just like your mother had once?

“Have you tried writing him another letter?”

That’s the only advice Yelena has for you, as you try not to cry on the parchment when writing about when he had taken you to Coney Island once. You’re trying so hard to reach out to his heart, as he keeps moving farther and farther away.

You didn’t know that in a house that had been built on such happy dreams and notions, there were two dead people walking inside of it and one snake making perfect use of all that.


	6. second door: the letters.

> _ I love you, darlin’. _

It’s written in one of the few letters that you are able to get in the war early one, as he starts moving about it becomes harder for him to send letters, much less receive them. He keeps all that he has gotten to his chest, where he has a picture of a slightly younger you. 

Even when he doesn’t seem to love you anymore, you carry that piece of paper with his writing that declared when his heart was yours. 

> _ Mrs. Barnes, _
> 
> _ On behalf of the United States Army, we regret to inform you… _

The first time you get such a letter you end up blacking out and in bed for days. Your aunt and mother-in-law were unsure of whether you were going to follow Bucky to an early grave due to your delicate disposition. Charlie always makes sure that you have something to eat or drink by your bedside, and even your father comes to visit when he gets the chance. 

It during his third visit that he gives the small telegraph note to:  _ DARLIN -- STILL ALIVE. I LOVE YOU. _

There isn’t much after that, but you know who it is from as you feel your sight start to get a bit watery as you simply nod and thank your father. 

> _ Mrs. Barnes,  _
> 
> _ On behalf of the United States Army, we would like to inform that Sgt. James Barnes is being-- _

You swallow a deep breathe at the sight of the familiar emblem, but this time it tells you that the war has ended early for your tiny family -- Bucky is being sent back stateside due to an injury and while you can’t help but feel a little relieved, something else sends your poor health into a tailspin. 

**CAPTAIN AMERICA’S SACRIFICE -- SURRENDER IS IMMINENT.**

  
_ Why did Captain America sort of look like Stevie?  _


	7. a sad love story.

It takes you a week and a half to convince your father because even though you might not be as rich anymore, he was still a stubborn and prideful man. Your aunt stands behind you when he comes over the weekend after James asks you out politely.

“Please Papa,” you whisper, as his same colored eyes meet yours. You might have taken after you more in almost everything, but you had your father’s stubbornness and will to live. She holds your shoulder and meets her brother-in-law’s eyes.

“I remember certain someone fightn’ tooth an’ nail for her date,” your aunt keeps explaining, as your father’s eyes narrow, “Wouldn’t want sugarplum to miss this chance.”

Both you and your father understand what she is trying to say and as brash as an attack that might be for him, your timed cough has its intended effect as he shakes his head,

“Saturday,” is all he says, “And I want ya back by 8.”

Your father leaves the room with a shake of his head, as your aunt squeals in delight. You aren’t too sure what had just happened and exactly what sensitive nerves you had hit by mentioning your mother, but at least now you could go at least on one date in your life.

“I’m gonna doll ya up!”

* * *

You try your hardest not to fall in shoes you are are not used to wearing. You try your hardest not get your hopes up over one date. You try to take is slow and easy so that your illness doesn’t flare too much. You try to keep your smiles and fluttering heart to a minimal because nothing is worse than a gal who asks for too much – as your aunt likes to say.

Bucky smiles as he twirls to a slower moving song, you let out a laugh as the room spins.

‘There is it,” he can’t help but whisper as you look at him with a curious stare, “That’s the smile I was lookin’ fo’.”

You can’t help but cough just a little at the sight of his dazzling smile, as you fail at everything you had set up for yourself, but one date turns to two and so on.

* * *

You can’t help but smile at the sight of Bucky sitting next to Charlie, as your only sibling the two of you were attached at the hip with you needing to help take care of him at times. And while sometimes it ran through the time you promised to spend with Bucky, he never complained about – it was more like he was always there to teach him something new.

“–Did you know–”

Charlie goes into another one of his tandems with the ratty old books he is carrying this time around, but instead of dismissing him like any other adult might do –like father does– Bucky takes a seat next to him and listen to everything he has to say as you make lunch for the three of you.

You can’t help but think that this is what it is like to have a small family of your own one day, though that might be asking for too much. For now, you are content with what you have.

* * *

It’s easy for you to get along with Steve. It isn’t because you are both ill in some way, though that does connect in some form of comradery, but because you are so used to looking through books and art during your time in the hospital – something Steve had done during his own limited free time as well when Bucky wasn’t there.

Hemingway, Poe, Van Gogh are just some of the things he finds the two of you talking about and while Bucky was a smart young man, mathematics and engineering had always caught his attention a bit more. However, he can’t help but smile at the sight of his two favorite people –outside of the Barnes family– getting along so well together.

“Why you got such a goofy smile on ya face, punk?” Steve can’t help but ask, as he had been watching that goofy smile bloom onto Bucky’s face for good awhile. You look up from your book and look at the two, still a bit unsure of your placement in all this, but you were happy to be with both of them.

Steve laughs and you smile, “Nothing, jerk.”

Bucky grins. He’s okay with all of this – all he needs is his family, his best friend, and his best girl and life was sure to be sweet – Brooklyn had everything he wanted.

* * *

However, things that are sweet and youthful aren’t meant to last forever.

> _Draft No. 32557038._

James Barnes had been called to the war effort.

* * *

Bucky knows what he wants to do, wants to ask when he is ready to leave for Fort McCoy. However, his ma asks him to think about it longer, but the idea is already blooming in depth of his heart when you kiss him sweetly as he leaves for basic training. He dreams about it when there is nothing else to do but stare at the ceiling above his bed at night.

He knows he wants it deep in his bones when you hug after six weeks without seeing your face. You eat dinner with the Barnes family that night and Winnie just knows that look in her son’s sparkling blue eyes – completely and utterly in love even in the middle of a war.

Maybe, that why she searches for a little object once Bucky decides to walk you back to your aunt’s apartment. She’s sitting in the kitchen when he comes back, as her only son gives her a shy smile.

“You really love her, don’t you?” she can’t help but breathe out while playing with the small piece of jewelry in her hand.

“To the moon and back, ma,” Bucky whispers out lovestruck as she laughs, remembering her own husband and another war from across the sea.

“Well, I hope can you keep it up,” Winnie smile before pulling out a simple gold band that had been given to her decades beforehand. Blue eyes widen as Bucky lets out a delirious chuckle before picking up his mother and swinging her across the room, happy to have her blessing.

* * *

Your father is a completely different story, as Bucky wears his Army uniform and his hair slicked back to head to his office when he knows you aren’t going to be there. There is a frog in his throat when he stands in front of his desk. Your eyes, but darker and more somber staring back at him as if knowing what he was already going to ask for.

“Sir,” Bucky states with a stutter, “I would like to ask for your daughter’s hand.”

“And tell me,” he starts off in a tone that reminds Bucky of his own father’s drunken anger but more precise and sober, “Why would I let you have her?”   

The door closes behind Bucky and thought it takes an hour and a lot of sweat and tears, he has your father’s blessing by the end of it.

* * *

Charlie comes running down the creaky hallway when he hears you scream. However, it isn’t exactly the sight he was expecting or no that he had been trained for as he sees you towering over Bucky who is on one knee.

_“Will ya do me the honor–”_

You cradle his head in your arms as tiny laughs and sobs are shared in front of the apartment. Charlie smiles before walking back down the hallway.

* * *

Your wedding is a quick one in the church that Barnes attended from time to time. His mom and sisters are there, along with your aunt and Charlie. Your father might not be there due to the last minute business trip, but you have someone better walking down the aisle.

“You better treat her right, punk,” Steve can’t help but chuckle out as he hands out over, only to walk over to Bucky’s right side as his best man.

“Wouldn’t dream of anything else, jerk,” Bucky laughs as the both of you –in a blue tux and lace dress– turn to face the slightly frowning priest.

By the end, you’re giggling and running in your own little apartment (a gift from your father) a few blocks down as the new Mr. and Mrs. Barnes.

* * *

However, the war is quick to remind you that your newlywed bliss is a quick little spark in the tumultuous sea of war, as you and the Barnes family (Steve was nowhere in sight) as you see him away that gloomy morning.

“I’ll miss you,” he states softly, blue eyes staring into yours.

“I love you,” you answer back before kissing him. The moment is too short as the ship’s crew starts declaring that it’s time for departure and you try not to cry right then and there as Winnie holds you by the shoulders and Bucky moves away from sight.  

Days turn to weeks and slowly into months, as you keep writing to Bucky about everything that you can even when you don’t send all the letters that you have addressed to him. You try your hardest to stay positive and keep your mind on other things, though it is very limited since you can’t do much, much less help in the war effort.

But, you keep writing and writing and sending letters when you can. As Bucky keeps them –alongside your picture– as close to his chest as possible, staring at them (like he used to in a different way back in Fort McCoy) when there is a moment of breath.  

> _My darling, stay safe…stay gold._

Bucky isn’t sure how he is supposed to do all that with all the blood on his hands.


	8. lovedrunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the end, or the beginning to be exact. thank you so much for taking the time to read this and if you have been waiting for the start, i hope you enjoy the ride cause it just goes downhill from here ;D

The music is drumming all over the mansion -- a haven for all type of debauchery from sex to drugs all in the name of one man, James Buchanan Barnes. He had taken control of one of the largest mafia crews back in the 1950s after the death of his own mentor, Alexander Pierce. Some of the biggest robbing sprees and murders have been done under his name. There were politicians and corporations that that gave back to his mob for protection and to help them climb a bit more up society’s ladder. 

However, deep down,  the man was a recluse -- someone that nowadays worked through several middlemen that worked under him. Not since the 1980s has anyone really seen his face, he stayed behind closed doors to wonder the top floor of his mansion that he had bought and recreated for a different purpose a lifetime ago. 

James Buchanan Barnes, riddled with illnesses and regrets, is nothing but a walking ghost waiting for the world to take him. 

“Another year,” his voice echoes out bitterly as he swirls his glass around before taking another drink. His once bright blue eyes are dark and sorrowful as he looks up to the painting up above with the mantle filled with old black and white photos of a much happier time if one dared called to war that. His youth was gone and dragged through the floor, but their own --his wife and his best friend-- would never be. 

**They were forever golden** , unlike him. 

If he hears the sound of footsteps coming closer to him, James doesn’t say anything -- just looks at the painting of his wife over the mantle and leans into the chair once more...and waits. 

He has been waiting long enough to see the closest people he had lost so long ago, though deep down he doubts he deserves it. The assailant turns to the corner of the chair with their face hidden in the shadows, but for a brief moment James swears he sees green for a moment, but it vanishes in an instant. 

_ pop! pop!  _

And after a miserable existence, in a brief flash -- he is gone...and maybe, finally at peace.

* * *

For James Barnes, life starts on March 10th, 1918. James is someone who always grows with the importance of friendship and love with his large family of his two parents and three younger sisters, but it isn’t until later in life that he learns how much he is willing to his life for those two concepts -- the first time is when he first meets one Steve Rogers, when some bullies are trying to take his lunch money. 

The second part comes a little later on in life when he sees an older girl protecting Becca from some type. Her shoe is missing and she’s coughing up a storm --almost like Stevie-- as the boy is coming up to them once more. 

“Hey,” Bucky yells out as he comes barreling down the other side of the street, “Pick on somebody your own size.” 

Both the gal and Becca jump to the side at the sound of his voice, that leads to James moving in just in time to sucker punch the man which the bully to fall to the dirty ground below. He gives him on look over, making sure that he’s gonna stay down, before turning back to look at his sister and the mysterious strange and moving them as far as he can.

“I swear, Becca,” he breathes out while looking at the strange gal who still seems to breathe to fast for her own good, as he knew from his experience with Stevie, “What were ya thinking?” 

“He started it,” Rebecca complains as they make to the street where their little apartment is located it. She turns to look at the older girl before patting her on the back. She makes a motion and Becca continues, “Started tryin’ to butter me up like and got jibbed I said no. And then--”

Before Becca can continue her story, the mysterious gal moves to-and-fro for a second before falling over, only for Bucky to catch, as she blacks out completely.    

If only Bucky knew that he would end up falling as well, though in a different sort of way.

* * *

It’s a little while after that when Bucky and Becca find out who their mystery savior is -- a niece of their landlady. Now, from what they understood the landlady was a spinster -- the older sister of a wealthy but now struggling (everyone struggled due to the Depression) man that owns land all over the city and the state even. But, for some reason he had sent his eldest child and youngest son to spend the summer with their aunt -- his two other boys were traveling with him. 

“Thank you takin’ care of ‘er,” your aunt smiles at Winnie Barnes as she pats your shoulders on top of the quilt she had brought her. You’re quite and give the rest of the Barnes family a shy smile, “She tends to get a’head of herself with all the running and walking she wants to do.” 

Neither Bucky or Becca state what you were actually trying to do, as you end up waving at them before leaving. The Barnes siblings don’t know exactly what to make of you.

* * *

Over that summer, they come to realize more about you and your little brother. First, that you tend to stick like glue, if Charlie is outside then you are too -- watching him play from the sidelines or sitting on the steps of the apartment complex. If you’re not outside, well Charlie isn’t either though they do seem him from time to time coming out of the pharmacy or the store. 

Boxes of pills and bags of syrupy medicine in his arms and it don’t take Bucky long to put two-and-two together -- you’re sick. Maybe, not as much as Steve, but it takes you out for days and it makes it hard to breathe sometimes. 

_ She’s got a weak heart _ , he hears his ma talking

* * *

about it from time to time. However, he seems to know something that nobody --except maybe Charlie-- knows. 

“Will ya please stop chasing at them,” Bucky complains as he watches you take a gulp of air after chasing some punks --with his help-- that were bothering the younger kids again. You reach down and grasp your knees for a moment, as Bucky waits with anxiety and adrenaline running through his veins. 

He isn’t sure, unlike with Steve, what to do if something happens to you. However, instead of anything scary --like you blacking out again-- you end up laughing, a bright smile on your face as you end looking at him.

“ _ You’re a real worrier, huh James _ ?” you giggle out and Bucky swears that his heart stops for a moment and it’s on the walk back after the two of you try to find your missing shoe once more, that he realizes.

\---That you aren’t quite exactly what he thought you would be, and that you are certainly more than just your illness.   

* * *

However, before he can realize anything of what he might actually be feeling (that’s a few years down the line), you’re out of his life once more, just as quickly as you came in with your father and younger brother picking you and Charlie up a few mornings before school starts once more. 

“Bye Becca,” you hug her before getting into the car and simply wave at Bucky, “ _Stay golden, Bucky_!” 

He gives you smile (though he’ll never understand that little saying of yours) and nods as he watches the two of you drive off. Bucky stands there a little while longer than he should, which causes Becca to smile from behind him.

“Don’t worry, they’ll be back next summer.”

* * *

Becca is completely right though because as soon as the next summer comes in and schools ends once more, you are there waving at him and Stevie from the little window of the red brick apartment with Charlie at your side. There’s a smile on Steve’s face at the lovestruck gaze on Bucky’s face when you greet them at the top of the staircase.

And even though, Bucky might deny from the ages of 17 to 22, everyone is sure that he has some type of crush of you. Though you aren’t quite so sure as you see him come and go with a girl every other night, it might break your heart but you kn0w that you’ll try your hardest to forget him once summer ends -- but, it’s never that easy. 

It’s never easy for him either because he doesn’t know if that’s the last time he’ll see you.

* * *

It changes around the time of his 23rd birthday because it's springtime and you’re standing and talking with Becca in front of the familiar apartment building, though he doesn’t live there anymore -- just visits every other day. He stops a few steps from the two of you, blue eyes staring at you like a ghost. 

“Hiya Bucky,” you state after noticing him with a light smile and Bucky can’t help but notice that you’re a little paler than usual, but he lets it slide for now. He smiles, as Becca sighs at the sight. 

“Hey, what are ya doing here?” 

“I live here now,” you let out with a laugh, as Becca grins at how Bucky’s jaw seems to drop. He stutters, trying to ask why much to the two gals delight.

“Why? How?” 

“I’m helping my aunt with the buildings we own.” 

In that quick moment, Bucky remembers that you aren’t exactly in the same social bracket as him and why that might bother him here and there in the future -- for now, he is a happy man that you are here in front of him.

* * *

It’s a freefall after that, between trying to teach how to dance properly. 

> _ “You’re steppin’ on my toes, doll.”  _
> 
> _ “I’m tryin’ not ‘ta.” _

And taking you and his sisters to Coney Island for your birthday. 

> _ “Ya want me to get on that?”  _
> 
> _ “Stevie could, I bet you can too.”  _

Bucky realizes, in-between the little moments and the larger ones, that’s he’s fallen in love and though he knows you aren’t too keen on the subject --goodness, knows how much time you have left compared to everyone else-- he moves forward with his question on a starry night when you’re sitting right next to him after suppertime with the Barnes. 

“So, when’s your next date, Romeo?” 

You laugh but he has the most serious look on his face, “Well, she’s starin’ right at me if she says yes.” 

You freeze and look at him with a look of pure shock, before getting up and leaving -- Bucky knows he has to be patient and wait for you to think it out. 

It takes him four days of worry and melancholy to get a response, but once he does (thanks to Becca, but he’ll never know that) there a huge smile on his face for days that Steve can’t help but shake his head and laugh. 

At that moment, everything is golden and nothing would be able to change it, at least not for now. 


End file.
